Embracing the Unsolvable: How to Thrive Despite Unresolvable Conflicts in Your Relationship

Relationships are beautiful, messy, and complex. But here’s a truth that might surprise you: according to Dr. John Gottman’s research, 69% of the conflicts we experience with our partners are fundamentally unsolvable. Yep, nearly three out of four disagreements might never have a tidy resolution.

Before you start packing your bags, take a deep breath. This statistic isn’t a death sentence for your relationship—it’s an opportunity. Let’s dive into what this means and how you can approach these "unsolvable" issues with grace, humor, and love.

What Does “Unsolvable” Really Mean?

Unsolvable conflicts stem from deep-seated differences in personality, values, or life preferences. Think:

  • One partner thrives in a structured, planned environment, while the other prefers spontaneity.

  • Differing views on how to spend money or raise kids.

  • Diverging social needs—one’s a homebody, the other loves big gatherings.

These differences aren’t “wrong”; they’re simply who you are. Trying to erase them is like asking the ocean to stop having waves. Unsolvable doesn’t mean unmanageable—it means learning how to coexist with these differences in a way that strengthens your bond.

The Shift: Stop Fixing, Start Thriving

The most successful couples aren’t those who eliminate conflict; they’re the ones who approach it with curiosity, respect, and a touch of humor. Here’s how:

1. Understand and Accept Differences

Instead of trying to change your partner’s core personality, focus on understanding them. Ask questions like:

  • What does this mean to you?

  • Why is this important for you?

For example, if your partner loves being early to every event and you’re perpetually late, acknowledge the stress your timing causes them. You might never become a “15-minutes-early” person, but small efforts (like leaving earlier when it matters most) show care.

2. Create Rituals for Tricky Topics

Let’s face it: some issues are just… touchy. If you know certain subjects (like finances or in-laws) tend to lead to arguments, try:

  • Setting aside a specific, calm time to discuss them.

  • Agreeing on ground rules, like no interrupting or name-calling.

  • Using humor: “Before we dive into our annual ‘holiday travel’ debate, let me pour us both a drink.”

These rituals make difficult conversations feel less threatening and more manageable.

3. Laugh About It (When You Can)

Some conflicts are best defused with a little levity. Maybe your partner’s messiness drives you nuts, or their playlist choices make road trips feel like punishment. Instead of spiraling into frustration, try finding the humor:

  • “I’ve made peace with the fact that your side of the closet will always look like a hurricane hit it.”

  • “We’ll call this our ’disco-funk-jazz-rock fusion’ road trip!”

Laughter can transform a source of tension into a shared inside joke.

4. Build Connection Around the Conflict

When couples struggle with recurring issues, the key isn’t to “solve” the problem but to ensure it doesn’t erode the relationship.

  • Express appreciation often: “I love how thoughtful you are, even when we see things differently.”

  • Show physical affection during tough times. A hug can remind you both that you’re on the same team.

  • Plan fun activities that strengthen your bond, balancing the heavy stuff with joy.

5. Strengthen Your Foundation

A strong relationship can handle unresolved conflicts when it’s rooted in trust and shared goals. Gottman calls this “creating shared meaning.” It’s about focusing on what unites you. Ask:

  • What dreams do we share for the future?

  • What are our core values as a couple?

  • How can we support each other’s individual passions and quirks?

When your foundation is strong, even big differences feel manageable because you know you’re in it together.

Why It’s Okay to Have Unsolvable Conflicts

Here’s the optimistic truth: all couples have irreconcilable differences. What matters is how you manage them. The Gottman Institute found that happy couples approach conflict with humor, patience, and care. Instead of endless battles, they focus on:

  • Dialogue over gridlock: Talking about the issue without the goal of “winning.”

  • Empathy over criticism: Validating feelings rather than dismissing them.

  • Acceptance over resistance: Embracing the quirks that make your partner unique.

Encouragement for Couples on the Journey

If you’re feeling stuck in unsolvable conflicts, remember this: conflict isn’t the enemy—disconnection is. When you approach your differences with love and curiosity, you strengthen your bond. The quirks and disagreements that challenge you today might one day become the stories you laugh about together.

So, the next time you face that same old disagreement, take a deep breath, crack a joke if you can, and remind yourself: you’re not trying to “fix” each other—you’re learning how to dance to the rhythm of your unique relationship.

Rachel Fleischman